Crazy Cullen Chaos
by cheesepuffman
Summary: This is a random lot of short stories about the Cullens doing crazy stuff. By the way I've never read twilight but my sister keeps talking about it so I know everything that happens in it.PS don't let this drive you away from this story and review please


BELLA'S HOBBIES

"See you later Alice." I said, to Alice who was going shopping for a sofa. "and make sure the sofa is comfy." The sofa she bought was sooooooooo comfy that I actually sat down on it but I got bored after 2 minutes. _Time to bring out my list of hobbies,_

Bella's hobbies

Kiss Edward

Play baseball

Get a new car

Drink blood

Run away from James

Invent a man eating milk drinking bazooka shooting green horny hip hop hippopotamus with a really big backside

_I couldn't do 1 because Edward's out doing something crazy._

_Not 2 because Edward's out and Emmett showing off his new car to everyone else._

_Not 3 because I got one yesterday and Carlisle_

_restricted me to one car a month._

_Not 4 because there's no blood to drink._

_Not 5 because the crazy thing Edward's doing is chasing James._

_But 6. Nothing could stop me from doing 6._

I got the old fridge and glued stuff onto it. The end result was . . . (on the next page).

The machine went on a world tour and destroyed America with its bazooka because it didn't like it and it was very raciest(We were in

our holiday hut in Australia at the time). I had to press the self destruct button on the remote before it destroyed another country. It blew up and destroyed Australia with it (We were shipping our hut to India when that happened).

THE END

**Alice's Shocking Shopping**

"I'm going shopping" I called to no one in particular "I'll be back soon." I got into my yellow porsche and drove to Norse Wear' the perfect place for winter clothes shopping. There are lots of things I liked but most I already have. I saw a wolfskin coat that I liked and I don't have it. I tried it on it was a perfect fit. Something so cheap and comfortable I couldn't turn down. After I bought it I had a vision of (drumroll please) casserole vomit on the coat!!! _He mustn't know I have it' _I thought.

While I drove home I heard a growling sound coming from the boot where I'd put the coat. I turned around and found the wolf's spirit standing over the coat. _Well that's not good, _I thought before I said "What the hell are you doing in my car? Wait, I don't want to know,

just get out." Then I saw the drool coming out of its mouth and forming a small puddle on the car's carpet.

"Get the hell out of my car you arsewipe!!!" I screamed as I put my feet on the steering wheel and started wrestling with it. Somehow my feet drove me to San Francisco and drove off the edge of the golden gate bridge. I found out that the wolf spirit spoke english and it started cursing me as the current pulled the car towards America. "Your mother is a beep beep beep bucket of beep beep beep republican beep beep beep on cocaine beep beep beep hippopotamus beep beep beep and a stick of dynamite beep beep beep rotten toothed beep beep beep Mickey mouse beep beep beep in a castle far far away beep beep beep with scrambled eggs beep beep beep potato headed beep etc etc etc"said the wolf. The word beep has just been banned from usage and excluded from the English, Norwegian, Russian, Egyptian, French, Swedish, Irish, Brazilian, Chinese and German dictionaries. The currents pulled my porsche down the river where Jasper was fishing. He fished up the car and said "Bloody hell. That's a good catch!" He pulled us onto the river bank and I asked him to project his thoughts onto the wolf. Suddenly the wolf started hugging me and saying "I love you." Jasper and I threw him into the river but he didn't hit the water. Instead he floated up to wolf heaven. "Well that's the last we'll be seeing of him" said Jasper. "Bye." I drove home and put the coat in the dryer to dry. "Alice" called Casserole. "I need to vomit on that coat you bought at Norse Wear today." "You already did." I lied "you did it yesterday." "Did I?" he replied. "I don't remember that" he said. "Ah well, who am I complaining? I'm feeling very well today." _That's one vision that didn't come true,_ I thought.

The End

Edward Cullen's Attempted murder at vampire hotel.

We're on holiday at vampire hotel. It's a posh expensive place but worth the cost. I was walking up the spiral staircase, wearing the new suit Bella bought me when I saw it. A body dangling from the stair rail on the floor above with a rope tied around its neck. I could see that it was female so I rushed up to see who it was and that's when I got a real shock. It was Bella. She was still breathing but not moving. Then I saw she was asleep not dead. My heart burst with relief as I hauled her on to the stairs and cut the rope with my knife. "What happened?" I asked as soon as she was awake. "I think someone tried to murder me"she replied,"but forgot that the only way to kill a vampire is to rip them into pieces and burn them.""Thats good "I said. "Because otherwise you'd be dead" Bella looked at her feet and gasped"my shoes! My expensive new shoes. They're gone!!!""Who would want to kill you just for your shoes?" I asked. "Well, that posh woman, I think her name is Lily. She always gets what she wants"said Bella. "Charlotte complained she lost her diamonds that she was going to sell to make money. She gave them to me when she was drunk. She could steal the shoes and sell them to earn a fair bit of cash."We shared a quick kiss. Bella looked across the stairway. "Room 13, let's check it out"she said." It belongs to tony and tom."We went inside and had a look around."There are truck loads of poison here and pistols with silencers on them"I said. "Look here" said Bella. She was standing next to the wardrobe."There's a small crack in the wall. It looks like a square has been cut out, just big enough to crawl through. Let's go and find out where it goes."I took a run up and barged through the wall into another room. "This is Charlotte's room. Look in this diary "said Bella.

Dear diary

Linda said that if I wanted money I could kill Bella and steal her shoes. So I did. Bella stole my diamonds and I wanted revenge. I sold the shoes to Linda and made $9000000.

"Looks like we found the murder" I said as we left the room. We found Jasper with his hand to his head. "I've got this splitting headache" he complained as he took his hand away from his head. I gasped. "You've got a bullet hole in your head.""So that explains the headache" he murmured. He looked at his hand and saw blood on it. "Tom and Tony must have done that because we didn't hear the shot" I said. "Everyone should be in the dining room now. Lets go down and announce it."So we did. "Charlotte, Tom and Tony are under arrest for attempted murder and smuggling illegal weaponry into the hotel. We can't be bothered giving evidence except that Tom and Tony are really the evil twins Death and Die!!!!!!"

The End

Carlisle Casserole

I went to the Casserole shop and bought a casserole. I was walking home when a robber came out of the haunted house across the street and took my casserole! I got angry, pulled out my revolver and shot him. I took my casserole back and took his wallet as well. In his wallet I found a scrap of paper. Written on it was ...

Objective

Acquire the casserole of life. If it is to the temple of casseroles in the amazon rain forest it shows the way to the river of life where I, the great lord Harry, become immortal so I can rule the world.

Suddenly a raven swooped down and stole the casserole. I shot at it but missed and my gun ran out of ammo. I pulled my sniper rifle out of my pack, loaded it and shot. Perfect aim. I ran to where the raven fell and found its body but no casserole. _Harry must have taken it_ I thought. _Time to go to the amazon._

" Esme, how much do you like the idea of flying to the amazon in that speedy little fighter jet of yours?" I asked. "Sounds fun" she replied.

10 minutes later we were soaring over the amazon like a gull over the ocean. Then I saw a glimpse of gold flashing in the sunlight. There was a trio of single man planes circling it trying to find a way to land. Harry's transport craft had landed in a clearing but left no room for the fighter planes. "You dive. I'll man the guns" I said. I found the gun control, aimed and fired. Pwem! Pwem! Pwem! Pwem! went the gun. A bright flash and a shower of sparks was a clear signal that one exploded. Another one went up in flames but the last one was smart enough to take evasive action and shoot back. "They got our wing" I heard Esme cry. We started to spiral down to the sea of trees. Esme managed not to make the plane explode while landing. We got out and I pulled a bazooka out of my pack, loaded it and shot it at the remaining plane. Harry radioed to the plane that we had a bazooka but it was to late. The plane exploded. "We need to get to the temple before Harry. You take the rifle, I'll take the machine gun" I said. We snuck up to the temple's back door and took positions where we had a good aim of the front door. Harry entered with ten guards and a person carrying a cushion with the casserole on it. I threw a grenade at the casserole bearer and he exploded along with the casserole. Harry got angry. His body started to change. His clothes ripped to shreds exposing a furry body. His eyes turned blood red with hatred. Long yellow teeth came out of his mouth which was turning into a snout. Harry was a werewolf. He ordered his men to shoot at us then he radioed in to the transport craft for reinforcements. Ten more men came with elite rifles and one gave Harry a machine gun. "Kill them!" he barked. He shot at us as if he could kill us. I loaded my machine gun and fired. I heard the screams of those who fell to my gun. Ch-chick bang! Ch-chick bang! Ch-chick bang! went Esme's rifle. Rat tat tat! ch ch ch! went my gun. It was out of ammo. There was still five left, including Harry who was looking around in disbelief. He controlled his anger and changed to his human form. He pulled a grenade out of his ear and threw it at me. The explosion was loud and blinding. I walked out of the smoke, pulled out my swiss army knife and threw it. It hit Harry right in the heart. Harry died and Esme shot the remaining four men.

The End

Rosalie's S.P.C.F.A. (Society of the Prevention of Cruelty to Fantasy Creatures)

"Rosalie, there's a baby dragon that's just been found somewhere in Asia. No signs of parents" called Esme. "Good" I said. "I'll be there right away." I went to the teleporter and got teleported to Asia to pick up the dragon chick. I found the chick and got teleported back to the S.P.C.F.A. head-quarters. When I got back there was no one around and the fire alarm kept going " Please evacuate the building by the nearest exit." Suddenly a centaur raced into the room followed by a ball of fire. The centaur picked me and the dragon up and jumped out the window just as the fire incinerated the room. "That was close" said the centaur as it landed on the lawn where the rest of the fantasy creatures and staff members were. "The dark side of fantasy has done this." said Emmett. "They want war." "Then a war they shall get" I replied. "We can't let them get away with this. Get the elves to mana archery club practicing. The dwarves need to go to the mine in the karori sanctuary to make armour and weapons. Every able-bodied creature will fight. Got that commander?" "That's rather sudden. Are you sure?" said Emmett, the newly appointed commander. " Of course I'm sure" I snapped. " Do you think I'm a nut case? Do you think that my brain has been replaced with a cow pat? Do you think that someone tried to blow up my brain and when he failed he hired an army of bazooka men who he lost control of and they started to blow each other up and the one that survived tried to rule the entire universe?" I screamed. " Well yes, but...""You do?"I cut him off. "You're fired!" "Aggro, aggro" said Emmett. "Yes, I was rather, wasn't I" I agreed. "You'rE rehired. But back to war. I want to have the werewolves ready to fight by tomorrow." "Yes, that's all very well" said Emmett. "But there's two thing to consider. First is that the werewolves are who we're fighting against, and the second is who the hell put you in charge?" he asked. "I am perfectly aware" I said "that we are fighting the werewolves along with centaurs, fauns, minotaurs , leprechauns, pixies and elves. Also I am in charge because I put myself there." "Well for your information" said Emmett "centaurs, fauns, minotaurs , leprechauns, pixies and elves are on our side and we are up against trolls, mummies, big bugs and crazy evil skeleton necromancer guys that ride on crazy evil skeleton fire breathing dragons." "well, just get our force ready for battle whoever it is" I replied.

3 days later

"Is everyone ready?" I asked emmett. "yes, but there is a slight problem. The enemy base is... din din din, in a volcano!!!" said Emmett rather cheerfully. "why are you so optimistic?" I asked him. "well it's obvious isn't it? The volcano erupted 3 days ago. We don't have to go to war now!" answered Emmett. Just then a pixie ran in and whispered something to Emmett that made his heart sink. Then he brightened up. "the wrong volcano erupted but there's no way we can get aN army into a volcano" he said. " of course not" I said, surprised at the thought of sending the army into the volcano. "we'll just blow it up, you dingus." "you'rE forgetting that dynamite hasn't been invented yet. it's only 1900." said Emmet He didn't answer. "we'll have to march on the volcano. We leave immediately" I declared. "What about that baseball game we set up" asked Emmett. "We leave in 1 hour" I replied.

2 hours later

we stood around the volcano and I shouted into my megaphone "come out and fight or stay there and get blown up with dynamite that hasn't been invented yet." suddenly a swarm of scarabs rushed out of a hole in the ground. "Woh!" I yelled and started to attack them with a flame thrower (that hadn't been invented yet). " where do you get all these futuristic weapons and stuff?" asked emmett wHile attacking them with his sword . "the teleporter is also a time machine and I traveled to the future and took some souvenirs like this flame thrower" I answered. there was a big pile of dead scarabs burning in front of me as I advanced up the volcano. I pulled a stick of dynamite out of my pocket. "Is that going to destroy the volcano?" asked Emmett. "It's rather small." "Size isn't everything" I replied power walking up the slope. "It won't destroy it but it will blow the guys in it sky high." " it won't blow up those crazy evil skeleton necromancer guys that ride on crazy evil flying skeleton fire breathing dragons that are already sky high." i threw the stick of dynamite into the volcano. "you forgot to light the string" said Emmett, wondering if it might at least hit a baddy on the head and kill it. "I didn't light it because all the lava in there will light it" I replied talking as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "unless someone is smart enough to throW it back out." just then a red stick flew out of the volcano. "I take it that's a bad thing" said Emmett. It went directly up and blew up the crazy evil skeleton necromancer guys that ride on crazy evil flying skeleton fire breathing dragons which fell on the bad guys and the shock wave sent them sky high.

The end


End file.
